Monday, July 27, 2009

Scary Thought

It has occurred to me, that in ten or so years, (maybe less), many of the people that I love and who enrich my life, may not be with me. For instance, two of my all time favorite authors, Diana Palmer and Anne Stuart, are in their sixties and are having health problems. I cannot imagine a world without them. No new books by these authors to look forward to. No comfort in thinking of them and knowing they are there on this planet with me.

What about my mother? She's in her sixties. People live a long time in my family. I'm hoping that she will continue this trend. Losing my father put a whole the size of Texas in me. I imagine that another hole will form when my mother goes. My grandmother is in her late eighties. Her time will come soon, and I am trying to prepare for it. My aunts too.

I know that losing Anne Stuart and Diana Palmer will hurt me just as deeply as losing a family member, because they are like family to me. I grew up with them. They were my first favorites. I can vividly remember the days of running to the store or library to check out their books. I can remember how I felt reading their books for the first, second,many times. I imagine that two other old favorites, Johanna Lindsey and Jude Deveraux are getting up there too.

My all-time favorite band, Duran Duran, they are in their forties. My darling Keanu Reeves is also in his forties. They still have good years left, but how many? Just think, Michael Jackson has gone from this world. The enormity of the loss is so profound, I can't wrap my mind around it. I went roller skating on Saturday and they played a lot of his songs. My heart was full of sadness as I skated around the rink, thinking about him and his legacy in the world. Growing up listening to his songs, and watching his videos and movies. Now, he's not here anymore. All the songs that I hear by him will be old songs. Last year, so many favorites died, such as Paul Newman and Bernie Fox. Who else will go this year?

Age is a scary thing. When you're young, you can't conceive of getting older. I remember being five, twelve, fifteen. And that was a long time ago. Now I'm thirty-six, and the clock only goes forward, not back.

It occurs to me that the biggest fear of aging is not losing your looks or your health. It's staying in a world where all the people you loved have already left it. And the older you get, the more likely this is. I know that each year, I will have to say goodbye to more people that I cannot imagine living in a world without. The idea of it is so painful, I don't want to spend much time thinking on it. But it is a loss that all of us have to bear as humans with hearts made to love others. And the only answer is acceptance. Accepting that we will have to let go, and trying to enjoy and cherish the time we have left with those who will leave before we do.

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